Waking up to the beautiful Southwest weather this morning, whilst visiting my hometown of El Paso, I decide to go for a jog. A quick jog to start the day. Nothing dangerous. Just a jog. Until….the attack of the rogue dogs. I was minding my own business, merrily running along, when I see two dogs growing increasingly agitated in their backyard. Their front paws seemed a bit over-stretched on the rock wall separating their private house from public domain. I thought, “Surely, their wall is tall enough to keep these dogs in their backyard. Surely….Right? I think so….Why is he getting so far up the wall? Why is half his body over the wall? WHY IS HE OVER THE WALL and growling in my face?!?!”
At this point, the hair on the Chow/Pitbull’s back is at full attention, an impending sign of attack. Teeth are bared (mine, from my screams), eyes are scanning for nearby rocks, and an escape plan is quickly hatching in my mind. I see no large rocks, but I do notice the wall of a neighbor’s backyard, not far on my left side. I sprint for it, use all my rock climbing skills to scale the 10 foot rock wall, and find myself precariously perched alongside the neighbors wall.
I quickly weigh my options:
1) Jump into the neighbor’s backyard, and risk getting shot for trespassing — this is Texas, y’all. Right to bear arms and shoot any thief stupid enough to rob a Texan (or a small white girl clearly scared for her life).
2) Face the rogue Chow/Pitbull mix.
Duh. Face getting shot! Right as I’m about to make the leap into the neighbor’s backyard, out saunters a Rottweiler. Just. My. Luck. I quickly weigh my new options:
1) Face the Rottweiler.
2) Face the Chow.
Chows are CUH-RAZY animals, so I decide to take on the Rottweiler. And I thought the biggest decision of my run would be whether to play Spice Girls or Britney Spears on my Pandora.
Right as I’m about to jump into the backyard, I notice the characteristic CUH-RAZY Chow move…a quick run in a tight circle, repeated multiple times until the Chow launches himself a) throw a window (true story, that happened to my dad and sister whilst dog sitting) or in my case b) up a rock wall. This gives me a third option to weigh:
3) Wait for the Chow to land precariously on the rock wall, and then toss him to the neighbors yard to let these two rogue dogs duel it out themselves. Cruel, I know, but hey, it’s a dog eat dog world (see what I did there?).
True to CUH-RAZY form, the Chow launches himself 10 feet in the air (amazing, really) and makes a lunge for me. As the Chow is about to chow down on my face (ha), I push him to the left and jump to the right. I’ve MADE IT OUT ALIVE. Just like that show on Animal Planet.
*Note* The above story was a dramatic re-enactment of real life events. Here is the 100% true story, no hyberbole:
I was running. I saw the rogue dog over-reach his wall. I saw the rogue dog on the other side of the wall, within clear capabilities of attack. The rogue dog didn’t look too terribly formidable, so I decided to take my chances and run past him. 5 seconds pass. 10 seconds pass. 20. 30. No sign of attack. Just when I think I’m free, I feel a yip at my heels. I jump 3 foot in the air, scream, and turn around. A 5 lb Yorkie has escaped his owner and is now “attacking” me. To stave off the attack, I bend down, pet the Yorkie and coo “Who’s a cute dog? You’re a cute dog! Yes, you are. You’re so cute”. I was attacked by a 5lb Yorkie. But no worries, I fought it off.
Rogue Dentists (this one is totes true. It’s scary. You’ve been warned)
Last week, I got my teeth whitened. I have some things to say about this:
- I thought I was going in for a mold of my mouth and subsequent whitening trays. As it turns out, the dentist put an unknown chemical gel on my teeth, followed by a high intensity light/laser, which made my teeth hate me for the next 24 hours.
- A few years ago, I got in a bike accident, where I landed face-first on the street to avoid crashing through the windshield of a car. I chipped off a piece of my front tooth, and got a veneer/cap put on my tooth, to make myself look normal again.
- Apparently, the unknown chemical gel/laser combo weakened my enamel, and caused my veneer to come off.
- In an effort to have a movie star smile, I actually came out looking like a 5 year old that just received a half-ass visit from the Tooth Fairy. Oh, the irony. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Tri Training #2!
Last week, my good friend Whitney and I decided to sign up for an olympic triathlon, near Austin in April! My first tri was a sprint triathlon in October; this tri is much more hardcore (or, simply less pansy), with double the distances: 1 mile swim, 25 mi bike, 6 mile run. In my effort to train, I have once again turned to my trusted clearance athletic sites: Bonktown, Chainlove, WhiskeyMilitia, and SteepandCheap.com. I have thus far purchased:
- Tri shorts
- Tri running shoes (b/c they are somehow better than regular running shoes?? I will take whatever competitive edge I can get).
- An i-pod shuffle. Who remembers those?! I use this shuffle with an underwater audio system I own, to listen to music while I swim. I frequently choke myself with the headphones– when they become caught up in my stroke– and I can usually only hear out of one ear, and sometimes I can’t hear the music at all. Nonetheless, this is much better than the alternative: boredom.
Have I put any of these to use yet? OF COURSE NOT. I did, however, visit the lap pool in my apt complex to scope out the sitch. The pool water was literally the same temperature as a glass of ice water, and there was no hot tub in site. That clearly was not going to work. But, at least I know where my swimsuit is, which is a major improvement over last year’s training regime!