No, I am not a prostitute. Tracey turning a trick is much, much sneakier than a prostitute soliciting money for sex. That is so last year.
Tricks I’ve turned in the past 12 months include, but are not limited to:
April Fool’s Day 2011
My roommate at the time, Joy, had a lovely habit of not locking the front door behind her. Keep in mind, we lived in Deep Ellum, a once notoriously dangerous area of Dallas. On April 1, 2011, she had the misfortune of forgetting to lock the door behind her, yet again. Sensing an opportunity, I pounced. I waited a few hours and emailed her the following:
“Did you leave the door unlocked, again? These two men came in, forced me onto the balcony, and stole everything….our laptops, jewelry…. are all gone. I wasn’t hurt, but the cops are here now, and they say they don’t see any sign of forced entry. It’s like they just waltzed right in. Any idea how that could have happened?”
The Tabasco in the Smoothie
Once a semester, my college friends and I would host a Top Chef competition amongst ourselves. We would meet at Central Market, where the judges (winner of most recent Top Chef competition) would announce the secret ingredient, and give us 30 minutes and $20 to buy all necessary ingredients. We’d meet back up at someone’s apartment, where the judges would announce the twist, and we’d have one hour to cook a delicious meal!
One year, I was paired with Steven Kennington. We were up against Whitney and Elaine. Whitney enjoys spending her free time watching the Food Network, and Elaine is generally crafty. On the contrary, Kennington eats Taco Cabana for two out of three meals (with the third meal being alcohol), and I was at the time surviving off of cereal, peanut butter and yogurt (all mixed together! It’s so good! Try it!) I knew Steve & I had absolutely no chance of winning. I quickly devised a new plan for us. I communicated said plan as soon as we stepped away from the rest of the group:
Me: “Steve, you know we don’t stand a snowballs chance in hell, here.”
Me: “This is what we’re going to do. You go get a bunch of random stuff you think might taste good together (I do believe Steve came back with chocolate, sugar, cheese, and tortillas), I’m going to pick up a little something extra. Meet you in the check-out line”.
Once at the check-out, I flash my secret weapon, Tabasco sauce, at Steve, with a wink and a “Shhh, don’t tell”.
Upon arriving at Sreetham’s apartment, the twist is announced: each team must prepare an appetizer, entree, and dessert with only the ingredients they have purchased, and anything they can find in the apartment. Steve and I make wheat thin nachos and Whitney and Elaine make a delicious strawberry banana agave smoothie. Delicious, until I get to it…
I sense my opportunity as soon as I see Whitney preparing a smoothie. I’m not so cruel as to poison their entire entree; an appetizer is much more ideal! I pocket the Tabasco sauce halfway up my sleeve, take off the top and await my moment. While the wheat thin nachos are getting nuked, Whitney is running the blender. As soon as she puts the lid on and presses the Blend button, I move into position. Whitney is taking inventory of her leftover fruits, Elaine is cleaning the counter and the judges are conversing in the corner. I quickly pivot next to the blender, lift the top off, pour half the bottle of Tabasco sauce in (just enough to poison the taste; not enough to discolor the drink), and pivot the other direction.
A few minutes later, Whitney presents her smoothie to the judges, who smile wildly while they bring the glass to their lips. The smile continues after they have taken the first sip. Just as they are about to say “Yum!”, the smile quickly turns into a scowl and Sreetham barely refrains from spitting in the sink before exclaiming, “Is this supposed to be spicy?!” Whitney replies “What?? No. Let me taste!”
Meanwhile, Steve & I are laughing uncontrollably in the corner, and I confess my deed. Everyone has a good laugh, the judges are forced to eat the wheat thin nachos in lieu of anything else, and Elaine & Whitney take the cake with their entree and dessert.
The inspiration behind this blog post; this trick was turned today. A few weeks ago, one of both Sreetham & my good friend’s, we’ll call her “Beautiful”, mentioned she thought another one of our good friends, we’ll call him “Swell Guy”, was cute. I mentioned this to Swell Guy, who responded he thought “Beautiful” did in fact live up to her name. He said he’d take her out on a date…several weeks later, no date. Sreetham and I decided to take matters into our own hands, because Beautiful and Swell Guy are just such darn great people! They obvs need to be great together.
Sreetham tells Beautiful, and I tell Swell Guy we should all meet for dinner Tuesday night. The only crinkle in the plan is that I may or may not live with Swell Guy, and I needed to come up with an excuse for why we couldn’t drive to dinner together. I tell Swell Guy I have boxing class Tuesday evening, and I will meet everyone at the restaurant. I, instead, head to Target to kill a couple hours. I start in the shoe department, progress to the clothing side, and as dinner nears and my stomach begins to grumble unhappily, I wander ever-closer to the food section. Unfortunately for me, there is a lot of random merchandise in Target.
After making a sufficient amount of purchasing mistakes at Target, I head home. I get home 10 minutes before dinner should have commenced, so I park on the side of the apartment complex and very stealthily keep an eye out for Swell Guy’s car to exit. A few minutes after everyone should have already arrived at the restaurant, I decide it’s likely Swell Guy left before I ever arrived. RIGHT as I drive into our garage, I come hood-to-hood with Swell Guy’s car. Panicking, I quickly make a right-turn into a dead-end, hoping he brushes off the 1998 Honda Accord with an “I’m a Longhorn Mom” bumper sticker (I bought my car from my mom, in college) as a “popular car”.
Nonetheless, the date did happen. It is still unclear whether this date is something we will all laugh about later on in our long and deep friendship, or if there will be no later. Uh-ohs. If Swell Guy and Beautiful are reading this, I would just like to say….you are beautiful. And, swell. Love you both!!
Sneaking onto an Airplane in Indonesia
This story deserves a blog of it’s very own. Definitely one of the wildest and most nerve-racking moments of my life. A synopsis: After studying abroad in Thailand, I commenced a two-week trip through Southeast Asia. I was mugged in Vietnam, on day two of this trip, and forced to sneak onto an airplane in Indonesia, after failing to pay the exit fee. Stay tuned!
Oh, hey! Random thought! You can stay tuned by clicking that “Follow” button on the right-hand side! That could work! You might get notified when a new blog is posted! It could be FUN!!!