Gettin’ Hitched!

The Ceremony

Tying the knot. Taking the plunge. Heading to the chapel. The beginning of the end (just kidding, Jill!).  The inevitable follow-up to Jill’s bacherlorette weekend in Austin: Jill Swanson got hitched this weekend!!

I flew in from St. Louis Friday night, excited for my 36 hour trip to Houston, aka H-tizzle, aka H-town, aka “Omg, I went two blocks in the wrong direction and now I am scared.”

I had a brief moment of social anxiety when I remembered the bride is a former sorority sistah and the groom is a former fraternity brotha, meaning… I would be flying solo into a room of Houston’s finest debutantes and beaus….who probably like country music. Then I remembered there’d be an open bar, and all anxieties (and later, inhibitions) flew out the window! YOLO!

And, the bar is open.

The Reception

If I could sum up the reception in three words, it would be: Haircuts, Helsinki, and Hangover. The night began with an open bar, which led to a few evening highlights:

  • Almost booking a one-way ticket to Helsinki. ADD Tracey got distracted while on hold with American Airlines, prematurely ending the phone call before the purchase was made.
  • Getting a very weird look from the bartender when I asked for one champagne class of vodka, and one champagne glass of coke. Not my preferred styling tools, but as ze best hairstylist in ze country, I will work with what I got, to give a haircut.

From my days as a hairstylist in training

  • Bustin’ a move on the dance floor with the coolest bridesmaids in all the land.

Photo bombing

The blushing bride with her new hubby!

  • Bustin’ my ass on the dance floor. It happens.
  • Molly’s incredible party trick.

The girl can literally crush a beer can with her shoulder blades!

  • Homeless people crashing the wedding. I tried to tell them next time, they should dress a little nicer and they could probably get away with it. I then directed them to my “Turnin’ a Trick” blog post about sneaking into places and playing pranks. I’m fairly certain my great advice fell on deaf ears.
  • Making Kate feed me cake, while gazing lovingly into my eyes, as Paul documented the special moment.
  • Yelling at Kate for not gazing lovingly enough. “Kate! Why are you not more into this?”

The After Party

  • Running into a former classmate at the bar, and repeatedly asking him his name. Love that dude. Whatever his name is.
  • Accepting challenge from groomsman, to see who can be the first to score digits from an eligible bachelorette. Never one to let a boy beat me, I immediately set out on my mission. I very smoothly obtained Susanne’s digits via elegant persuasion:


“Oh! Hey there”

“Hi. Can I have your number? So I can….um…call you? Ya, just in case I need to…do that”.

Obviously, Susanne couldn’t say no to that.

  • Hanging out with a half naked dancing leprechaun (short groomsman) at 3AM.
  • Jalapeno Pizza at 4AM. Such a bad idea. Followed up with milk, to relieve the fire in my mouth. Worse idea.
  • I rounded up the evening by telling the groomsman I had been dancing with all night I was gay. He didn’t much like that. As reasonable adults, we negotiated a cuddle session to off-set “leading him on” throughout the evening. We struck a bargain where he could put his arm around me, but if his hand went astray, I would break it. Reasonable.
  • Leaving the groomsman like a cheap whore in the middle of the night.
  • Hurting the rental car. My mantra of “It’s okay, it’s a rental!” has once again gone a step too far. Last time, I wrecked Jill’s rental in St.Louis. This time, I wrecked my rental at Jill’s wedding. Full circle.
  • Taking Kate’s advice to “Play it cool, maybe they won’t notice”, upon returning said damaged rental car. It probably didn’t help my case that I was wearing the “Sorry for partying” bacherlorette tank top, while I tried to casually play off the damage:

“Ma’am, is this your rental?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“It’s damaged (points to partially dislocated fender)”

“Oh my gosh! How did that happen!? What! Hmm….did I do that?”

“You need to go talk to the lady inside” (writes DAMAGED across the windshield…so much for going un-noticed).

I begin walking inside, hang a right at the last second, hop onto the shuttle bus, crouch down, and put on my sunglasses…b/c now I am totally disguised!

  • Desperately trying not to vomit on my airplane seat mate.

I think I drank too much last night.

To Brian & Jill- I toast to thee! Enjoy the adventure ahead of you.

Reception photos stolen from everyone…thank you!

2 thoughts on “Gettin’ Hitched!

  1. Whitney says:

    I CAN’T WAIT to attend your wedding…in Colorado of course, probably on top of a mountain with a large dog and where the only way down is on skis. heehee. We should have a mock wedding just to make sure it works. 😉

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