For some people, Christmas is their favorite holiday — what’s not to love about snow-capped pine trees, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, carolers with rosy cheeks, heaps of beautifully wrapped presents, and spiked eggnog?
Well, I’m Jew(ish).
My favorite holiday is the Fourth of July! What’s not to love about brightly colored flames shooting into the sky, brightly colored food to mimic the decor of the American flag, and champagne toasts every 5 minutes? It’s the gayest holiday the market officially recognizes!
Pop quiz: Does Canada have a Fourth of July?
Answer: Yes. They also have a third of July, and a fifth of July. But their fourth of July is not Capitalized—suckers!!
To pre-celebrate America’s 216th birthday, on the 3rd of July, I went to Kaboomtown, a fireworks display in Dallas that is ranked #11 in the World!! Super gay!! Also, Super crowded! And, I hate crowds! But it was still a lovely evening, as I got to see some old business school chums, as well as have an enlightening conversation with Jill, during the fireworks:
Me: “Jill, look at the moon… it looks so close, and it seems to be moving. It’s so pretty!!”
Jill: “Trace…that’s a balloon…”
(I burst out in uncontrollable laughter)
Jill (points behind me): “That’s the real moon”
Me: “Oooh….I see the balloon now. White balloons are…tricky.”
To celebrate America’s real 216th birthday, I went to the BCBG sale at the mall! I invited Katie to shop with Amanda & I, to which she replied “What?! You’re going dress shopping?!”, to which I replied , “YES! I wear dresses! You’ve seen me wear a dress! RUDE.”
While dress shopping, Christie texts me a picture of a dress, and asks if I think she should buy it. I tell her I just bought 3 dresses, to which she replies “What?! OMG! You?!”.
Rude. So rude. I WEAR DRESSES….when I’m not wearing jeans and a t-shirt….I totally wear dresses.
Dress shopping breeds another interesting conversation:
Me: “I look for 3 key functionalities in a dress: 1) bra-less capabilities 2) pockets 3) dual usage as a work dress (with a cardigan) and a going out dress”
Amanda & Katie (look confused): “I just want it to look hot”.
After shopping, lunch, and a pool party, I head to Casa de Danish, the 4th annual 4th of July party, hosted by the wonderfully fabulous (read: gay) David Danish. As I mentioned, the Fourth of July is super gay, and Casa de Danish was a conglomeration of the Gays, the Jews, and the Gay Jews. Highlights of the evening include:
- Continuous shouts of “America….fuck ya!!” — by me, no one really joined in
- De-classing the relatively classy Casa de Danish’s Fourth of July extravaganza
- Climbing onto a ledge, in my mini-skirt, to get a better view of the fireworks
- Scavenging the food at the end of the party, while everyone else was cleaning up
- Acting like an obnoxious, drunk fool with my sister and new bff, Tali, even though we were all stone cold sober
- Case in point: Stealing my sister’s phone and updating her fb status to read “To celebrate America’s birthday, I am prostituting myself! Come and get it while you can!!”
- Pondering how cool it would have been to sign the Declaration of Independence
Thank you, Casa de Danish and all the girls who helped me keep the 4th of July gay and classy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!! I LOVE YOU.