Puerto Vallarta, Mexico: Nothing, With a Little Bit of Something

In my last hoorah before moving out West to begin my new life, three of my fellow Sense Corpians, Liz, Steph, and My-Linh, and I took a trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico to drink our weight in margaritas, at an all-inclusive resort.

Sense Corpians, imitating Scorpions, whilst drinking Scorpions.

While My-Linh crisscrosses the country after missing her flight, Liz, Steph and myself settle in to begin our “Klassy with a K” trip, which is also Liz’s first venture out of the country! Upon arrival in Puerto Vallarta, Liz begins filling out her customs card, and asks us a very legitimate question, “What nationality am I…white??”

Once Liz figures out she is American, we all clear Customs and head to our all-inclusive and very klassy resort.

Our klassy with a K resort…kind of like being in a middle class Mexican village

We obtain room keys and head to lunch, which is kind of terrible…absolutely speaking. Little did we know how fast we will adapt to the food, calling dinner the next day, “delicious!”…relatively speaking. After lunch, we head back to the room, where I realize I have promptly lost the room key. After convincing the Front Desk they never gave us our room key, security is called to break into our room.

Security bailing us out…already.

We lazily lounge for a few hours, and then head to our Italian dinner, in Mexico…already a bad sign.

Relatively speaking, the dinner wasn’t bad!

The best way to explain the desserts is, “It tastes like nothing…with a little bit of something”

We get our bill after dinner, which reads $.12, to which My-Linh exclaims “12 cents?! Why is it not zero?!”, much like her Asian mother previously exclaimed “What happened to the other 3 points?!” after My-Linh brought home a 97 on a school exam.

The next day, we begin our daily ritual of walking to the pool, where we proceed to sunbathe, drink, eat, and loathe the idea of getting up to obtain drinks and/or food.

Breakfast of champions Part 1

Breakfast of Champions, Part 2

Highlights of the day include:

-Marco Polo running around the pool, pouring shots in our mouth and convincing us tonight is Mexico’s daylight savings.

Liz takes it like a champ!

I do not take it like a champ…note the puddle of liquor on the ground.

-Frolicking in the ocean

-Plotting ways to sneak onto a cruise ship sailing away into the sunset

That evening, we head to a Mexican BBQ dinner, where Marco Polo has singled me out to hop on stage for a competition. Slightly hungover from the limitless tamarind margaritas consumed throughout the day, I have a feeling I may not win this one…

Nice ‘stache!

Awaiting my fate…which includes gurgling tequila, to the tune of a Mexican song.

As it turns out, the Mexicans staying at the resort thought it unpatriotic to clap for an American…I endured four rounds of chirping crickets, as Marco Polo made the audience clapped for their favorite contender. Ouch.

After slightly losing the competition, My-Linh and I begin a heated card game of Egyptian Ratscrew, which proves to be the most stress either of us experienced throughout the weekend. After sweating it out for near an hour, we hand the cards to Liz and Steph, to duke it out.

Upon returning to our hotel room at 10pm, I dress up in my Halloween costume, which is supposed to be a rainbow, but My-Linh declares it the national bird of Mexico.

The National Bird of Mexico

We spend some quality time dancing to our girl, T. Swift, lament gaining an hour we didn’t need, due to Mexico’s early daylight savings, and head to bed by 11pm. Grandmas, united on our lame front!

The next day, we all decide to give the resort a show, by performing a synchronized swimming routine in the pool, and My-Linh wowing everyone with her complex and innovative water show.

We were ALL shown up by the interpretative dancers (or, possibly people with Tourette Syndrome), who danced around the pool, and very closely resembled Sims characters.

After our performances, we take a romantic stroll down the beach, where we encounter many dead fish washed ashore. Romantic!

No longer co-workers…but forever friends.

We clean up and head to our roll on, roll off dinner. Our waiter takes a special liking to me, and after assessing the situation, we make a shocking revelation that in traditional Mexican culture, I have been married to our waiter:

-After returning from the bathroom, the waiter runs over to me, offers his arm, and walks me back to the table –> walking down the aisle.

-He gives me a gift of a napkin rose in a glass –> a dowry.

The wedding only cost 12 cents!!

From now on, please refer to me as Mrs. Leonardo Mexican Waiter Kaplan…because I did not learn my husband’s last name.

While attending our roll off dinner, the girls and I all comment on how great the weekend was (relatively speaking), and plan our next trip, to Africa! Tagline: “Sorry for pirating! Somalia 2013!!!”

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