San Francisco parking. It’s not a good situation. I typically wouldn’t know, since I sold my car before moving out to SF. But, the third member of the infamous polygamous trio, Steve, came to visit this weekend, and he arrived with Mustang Sally.
Steve’s arrival coordinated with the end of SantaCon, a debaucherous event of day drinking in Santa outfits.
I started SantaCon off with 3 vodka shots, a mimosa, half a donut, and a candy bar. My body was like whhhhhat. I was like, sorry!
After the festive debauchery, I head to Whitney’s to greet Steve…and Mustang Sally. We briefly catch up, and I then persuade us all to go eat dinner #1, as I simply MUST HAVE a burger STAT.
We get to the burger joint, and quickly make friends with the table next to us, because this is San Francisco, and space is limited.
One of the men in the group next to us takes a liking to me…and let the awkward encounter begin. Here’s a snippit of the conversation, towards the end of the meal:
Him: “Ya….so we should….hang out again…”
Me: “Ha! No…you’re too busy with your charity event tonight, and I am about to go to second dinner”
Him (5 minutes later): “Cool…so….we should hang out again”
Me: “Oh, ya we can do that…oh! I need to get some more water”
Steve (pushes his glass towards me): “Here, have my water!”
Me: “Arrrrgh. I mean, thanks, Steve! (pause that feels like 8 hours, to me) “Ok…so….here’s my number”
Steve then hijacks my phone for the rest of the night, and proceeds to text very inappropriate things to “Him”, which makes us all laugh.
After the awkward yet funny encounter at the burger joint, we cross the street to get our tarot cards read. We ring the doorbell multiple times, and no one greets us…shouldn’t they have known we were coming?! Logically, our next step is to steal the very heavy A frame, advertising the Tarot Card business. Just as I am lifting the A frame, a woman comes up the steps, loudly proclaiming…”Um…can I help you?!” Turns out she the business owner’s secretary, and we were caught red-handed.
Instead of having us arrested, she gives us directions to the new tarot card reading location, and coupons for a free reading.
We take the coupons and head to dinner #2, to have a Longhorn reunion with Shyam, and friends, to celebrate Shyam’s birthday. We drive to the Mission in 10 minutes, then spend at least 30 minutes looking for parking. It goes a little something like this:
Steve: “Is that a spot?”
Sara: “You may get towed if you park there.”
(2 minutes later) Me: “Ohh! Is that a spot?!”
Whitney: “Fire hydrant.”
(spot someone hovering in a nearby vehicle) Steve: “Are you leaving?”
(spots another free area across the street) Me: “Is that a spot?!”
Steve: “Is that a spot?!”
(we park). Sara: “Soo…you’re in the red”
Steve: “Do we care?”
Me: “HOW about we drive by the restaurant, and each of us takes turns getting out and giving Shyam a hug?”
Whitney: “Oh my god…right there….that’s a spot!”
Steve: “It’s a thing….it’s definitely a thing”
(we park Mustang Sally)
By the time dinner rolls around, the vodka shots, donuts and candy bars have hit me; I feel awful. I drink tea to no avail; the only thing that makes me feel better is watching the Santa Clause while being nursed back to health by Kirsten (complete with Emergen-C and warm compresses) and eating cookies with Jeff. Shout out to my favorite Saturday night in the city, thus far.
I sleep until 11AM the next morning (my body was like whhhhatt!), and hop right into breakfast and a tennis game with Alicia. Our innocent tennis game quickly turns into a predatory session, as Leonarrrrdo (roll the ‘r’s to make him sound creepier), the Colombian tennis pro gives us an involuntary and inappropriate tennis lesson. Just imagine that one movie scene where that Latin man “shows” you how to hit a ball by grabbing your hips and “leading” you through the swing.
Leonarrrrrdo also says goodbye by grabbing your ass. In his defense, he probably doesn’t realize how we greet each other in America (or that he was dealing with two lezbros).
After getting violated, Alicia and I cleanse the dirty feeling by playing on the nearby swings and see-saw, and then going to the Renegade Craft Fair, the perfect place to buy all your holiday gifts!
Alicia and I find the Naked smoothie boost, where I catch myself just before I shout out “I LOVE Odwalla!!!”. The people manning the booth give us a free shirt and because we are so enthusiastic, they also give us free smoothies. The rest of the afternoon, Alicia and I find we make very effective marketing women, as we continuously direct traffic to the Naked booth. One artist even bailed on her booth when she saw our shirts and heard about the Naked booth. That was weird. The opportunity cost of her smoothie was probably $100. All natural ingredients, so worth it!
We end the weekend with a movie. Whitney and Sara want to see The Hobbit, and knowing myself well, I know I simply cannot sit through a 3 hour movie. I convince Steve to watch Life of Pi with me, and it was amazing. Life of Pi is my favorite book, and the movie was a magnificent master piece; it really did a good job of separating itself from Slumdog Millionaire.
The true highlight of the weekend was the conversation the Polygamous Trio has with our very FOB Vietnamese waiter, at dinner:
Steven (to waiter): “What do you recommend here?”
Asian FOB Waiter: “Numba 37. It most popular.”
Steven: “Really? Why not #30?”
Asian FOB Waiter: “I tell you. 37 more popular. Everyone want 37”
Steve: “Okay, no…I’ll have #30”.
Whitney (to waiter): “Should I get #37 or #52?”
Asian FOB Waiter: (talking very impatiently and sternly): “I tell you same thing I tell your friend 5 time. Most popular #37. Answer not change in 2 minute.”
Happy holidays, all.