1 year ago today, I was swimming laps and feeling delusional. Not in an acid trip good way, but in a “I’m miserable, I haven’t slept in weeks, I am all alone in a dark place” kind of way. While swimming, I created a FLAWLESS AND TOTALLY SANE plan to fix things. I put this plan into action on Jan 1, 2016. It backfired terribly.
When the plan failed, I thought to myself “oh boy, this is going to be a rough, rough year”.
I had no idea how rough it was going to get: for me, and for the entire world.
For me, the first half of 2016 was wrought with the struggle to take back my life from deep-rooted depression and insomnia. The 2nd half of 2016 was a struggle to keep my job amidst a broken team, shackled with interpersonal conflicts with management.
For the world, it seemed we were slipping into a black hole of conflict, hatred and devolution.
But enough about the world. Let’s talk about ME! I mean this isn’t the world’s blog. Get your own blog, world*
2016 was… a… year.
I let go of a partner in crime. I was hit by a car. I was kindly kicked out of my rent controlled apartment. I didn’t make sales quota 3/4 quarters. I didn’t make an international trip. I didn’t find a new partner in crime. I didn’t figure out how to fucking handset a god damn volleyball. WHY MUST YOU SPIN. I didn’t get a dog. The country was taken over by zombies.
But none of that matters*
I only have one key takeaway from 2016: I finally battled depression. I went head to head with that big, scary, mean-as-hell demon. And I am winning. It’s hard to explain exactly how I’m winning – I’m sleeping at night, and that is a HUGE win for my mental stability – But more than that, it’s that inexplicable feeling, that place that I’m not in anymore. That feeling, that place that I can only describe by a few words: dark. alone. cornered.
I still feel sadness and loneliness, but it’s a light sadness and a light loneliness – not an all-encompassing feeling, where I can do nothing but dwell on it.
I’m super proud of myself for reaching this point. Now, my biggest emotional struggle is with boredom. With not feeling fulfilled. With a strong belief my life can have more meaning.
And that is where 2017 comes in.
2016 laid the foundation. 2017 will be the jumping board. I have an idea of what the deep pool I’m going to jump in will look like. I HAVE A PLAN. And, it’s also delusional. But in the good, acid trip kind of way.
*I love the world and am a supporter of sustainability, responsible eating, and fighting climate change.
*Except the zombies. Let’s fight them, together.